Jul 28

(Shot of kids hanging out outside of a shopping mall holding fishing rods and wearing bucket hats with fishing lures.)
Reporter: It’s called alba-core, and it’s the next big fashion craze among teens.


(via zebabies)


Jul 27

Best place to carve a pentagram that’s still SFW?


Are you there god, it’s me Zertle. As dumb and maybe passé as my new personalized plates are, I must admit that I am kind of excited about them.


I want to start doing “un-boxing videos” for cases of beer where I record myself drinking every beer until I’m crying and then finish the video the next morning with a review of my experience. i.e. “Overall I would give this case of keystone ice nine and a half out of twelve jingle bells for the smooth taste, above-average percentage, and irregularly skinny cans.”



Jul 26
“What child wouldn’t be thrilled with a coconut death mask?”

Jul 25
“He looks very gentle and kind, but when he starts talking about math, everything changes.”

Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two stunt doubles.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two couches.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two pairs of sweatpants.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two foot-long Subway sandwiches.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two Blackberries.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he has to tell two “In Russia” jokes.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he has to sit around two houses.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he has to listen to two radios.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two telescopes.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two doctors (sad).
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two double hotel rooms.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two vacations.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two bank accounts.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two steering wheels.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two audiobooks.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he has to give birth to twins.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two bowling balls.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two microwaves.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two weird last names.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two smoke detectors.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two Segways.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two Comedy Central Roasts.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two pillows.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs to watch two Law and Order: SVU marathons.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two slot machines.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two Blue Man Group matinee performances.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs to go to two grocery stores.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two wallets.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two drug addictions.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two post-it notes.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two YouTube videos explaining the symbolism in Eraserhead.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two voter ID laws.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two garden hoses.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two pairs of underwear.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two bottles of Visine.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two haircuts.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs to drop out of two colleges.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two parent’s basements in which to live.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two part-time jobs.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two sequels to “the Hangover.”
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two Twitter accounts.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two Bar Mitzvahs.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two copies of “Happy Gilmore” on DVD to watch while he masturbates.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two Teen Choice Awards.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two Home Shopping Networks.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two diapers.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two meanings for “getting to second base.”
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two Cosco Executive Membership cards.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two reasons not to kill himself.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two pairs of sunglasses.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two Dido CDs.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two boxes of tissues for when he cries.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two pairs of pants.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two children to get into Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two minutes.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two all-access backstage passes for the Heart Reunion concert.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two permission slips to go on a class field trip.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two internet browsers.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two flip phones.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs to grow two pairs.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two motivational posters.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two movie tickets to see a movie.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two tissues for all of his tears.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two personal trainers.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two French tutors.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two pencils to write.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two YouTube playlists.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two part time jobs.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two Taco Bell orders.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two phone charms.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two wireless routers.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two keyboards.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two interventions.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs to watch two episodes of Intervention.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two webcams.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two Battle.net accounts.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two ping pong paddles.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two museum passes.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two pets.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two wake-up calls.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two spots on the Tonight Show.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two toasters.
Zachary “Zach” Galifianakis is so fat he needs two SubWay party subs.


Jul 24

"i love you, my darling, more than life itself.  i wouldn’t try to hurt you, for I’d only be hurting myself"


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